Wednesday, September 01, 2010

The Gorilla Suit Story

As you may or may not know, the SuperBowl was coming to Jacksonville, Florida on Feb 6, 2005. I had an idea to get myself a big gorilla suit and stage some genuine 'Bigfoot spottings' along some very rural roads in the Jacksonvilel area.

My plan required an accomplice so over several lunches - I discussed my elaborate idea with a good friend. He too thought it was fool proof. The idea was to position my friend (we'll call him Rob since that was his name)up the road a bit on his cell phone. As a car was approaching I would be down the road in position in my gorilla suit. The plan was that I would be crossing the street or walking into the woods at just the right time so I would be seen at a passing glance.

After doing this for several months we thought it would be necessary to step it up a bit so the next level would involve roadkill. This required us to be 'mobile' and ready to act at a moments notice. Rob and I planned to canvas certain roads looking for an unforunate but always inevitable roadkill victim. In this staged siting, the idea was to have me crouch down as if to be feeding on the roadkill. Again, with Rob as lookout I would 'look up' into the oncoming headlights and then dash into the wood, Bigfoot style.

I know what your'e thinking - what about the footprints. Well we considered that. Rob was researching how to make giant gorilla/humanoid plaster feet casts that I could step into and wear like sandals. This way when I ran off I would leave foot prints. We also planned to just stamp the feet in the soft earth near the 'sighting' areas so that the wackadoo Bigfoot believers could announce thier findings.

If all went according to plan, by the time the SuperBowl hit, the entire Jacksonville community and perhaps even the nation would be aware that Bigfoot was in Jacksonville.

The best part the planned hoax was this:Rob was going to be one of 'those' people who not only saw Bigfoot but was going to be lucky enough capture some 'digital pictures'. We were convinced we could sell them to a tabloid paper for crazy money. The big unveiling was going to happen Superbowl week - after we cashed the tabloid check.

So why didn't we do it? Well I was on eBay shopping for Mascot costumes, gorilla suits, etc - I was working on phase one - acquisition of said ape suit when my wife peeked over my shoulder. I told her in so many words what Rob and I were up to. She walked away for about 10 minutes and then came back into the room. The conversation went like this.

Her: "So you think this Bigfoot thing is really a good idea?"
Me: "Hell yes. It can't fail."
Her: "Yes it can fail, and it will fail."
Me: "You're just jealous because you don't get to play a part."
Her: "Did you every consider this? Every road you're thinking of doing this on is inhabited by rednecks."
Me: "So what?"
Her: "Rednecks = Truck, Truck = Gun rack, Gun rack = Gun. This means that I don't think you can run as fast in a gorilla suit as a redneck can draw his rifle and shoot your ass while you're giggling like a girl and running in the woods. I think your carcass would be tied across the hood of his truck and the joke would be on you."

(this moment of clarity gave me great pause - I knew she was right, weeks of planning were wasted in that very instant - my plan was doomed.....or was it?)

Me: "What about a martian theme then?"
Her: "Go to bed."

She's too damn smart.......I still think it woulda worked.

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